Communicating with your partner isn’t all the time simple. Even companions who contemplate themselves shut can discover that the day by day to-do’s, miscommunications, and simply plain exhaustion can get in the way in which of wholesome communication. However in relation to studying how one can speak about intercourse along with your companion, these on a regular basis components can actually muddy the waters.
Nonetheless, being able to talk about sex along with your companion is deeply vital for the well being of your relationship and sexual satisfaction. Research has shown that {couples} with sturdy sexual communication report improved intercourse, higher satisfaction with their sex lives, and enchancment within the total relationship.
Featured picture by Kristen Kilpatrick.
Tips to Help You Learn How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner
To dive into the topic, we had a chat with Cheryl Fagan, a intercourse educator and therapist, and Founding father of On Top—a superbly designed platform for intercourse conversations which might be relaxed and enjoyable, but grounded in proof. With a tutorial background in psychology and a grasp’s in sexual and reproductive well being, Fagan began On High after developing quick on sources as a younger grownup eager to make wholesome decisions when it got here to her sexuality.
With a voice that’s relatable and fascinating, Fagan focuses on a holistic strategy to sexual wellness—one which encompasses thoughts, physique, coronary heart, and soul—and is passionate about normalizing conversations round intercourse and serving to folks to seek out therapeutic on this space.
So how do you begin the dialog along with your companion? Scroll on for our chat with Fagan and her recommendations on how one can make your sexual conversations useful, productive, and really simple. Let’s soar in!
Why are you passionate about holistic sexuality?
While sex is everywhere, it’s hard to find meaningful, fact-based, relatable information out there. In the West, we’re taught that sex is merely physical and performance-based. But it’s so much more than that. Holistic sexuality involves our entire being: mind, body, heart, and soul. It is influenced by biological, psychological, social, religious, spiritual, and cultural factors. Holistic sexuality acknowledges all these factors, not merely just the physical act of sex.
Education empowers people to make healthy choices that align with their values and also enable them to have truly liberating, pleasurable, nourishing sex.
What are the benefits of talking openly about sex?
Quite simply, better sex. What do I mean by better sex? Sex that is pleasurable, satisfying, nourishing, and memorable. Think about the best sex you’ve ever had or maybe imagine the sexual experience you’d like to have. How can you get there? Most likely through some conversations with a partner/s. Some common advice that is often given in regards to communicating within a relationship is the phrase “your partner is not a mind reader.” The same applies to sex! The other person won’t know without you directly telling them what you like, reeealllly like, or feel “mehh” about.
I’ve heard that good communication = good sex. Can you dive into that a bit?
Good communication means you can voice your preferences and desires.
Because healthy and meaningful conversation about sex is taboo in Western culture, many people find it easier to actually have sex then to talk about sex!
If you feel comfortable and safe bringing the hard convos to the table in your relationship, there are amazing benefits that come from honest, sometimes challenging conversations. They help us know our partners better, enrich our connection, and deepen intimacy. So, if you have a good intimate connection, this can translate to a physical connection.
Why is it so hard for some couples to talk openly about sex?
Sex is so personal. How we feel about talking about sex can tell us a lot about ourselves. In some way, most people will have some sort of shame around sex that needs to be healed. Whether it’s from a trauma, or silence about sex in your upbringing, or conditioning from cultural messages based on gender—we all have things to work through. If a partner brings up their sex life and seems unsatisfied, this can feel like a blow to one’s self-esteem. Especially since our culture teaches us that sex is performance-based—it’s another thing to be good at, rather than simply to be enjoyed.
What benefits are there to talking about sex early in the relationship rather than later?
Talking about sex early on creates a culture in the relationship that is open and honest. Sex is complex for individuals and definitely for couples—it takes time to understand yourself and your partner. The earlier you have these conversations, the better it can set you up for when deeper or heavier issues arise.
There isn’t a “normal” number of conversations you should be having, but it’s about getting into the habit of honest conversations so that you’re able to address issues if/when they do come up.
… but it’s never too late to start right?
Of course not! Decide what you want to say or the goal of the conversation, be non-judgmental, honest, kind and I’m sure you’ll be grateful you opened the conversation as awkward as it may seem in the moment.
How can you keep the conversation positive, while still being direct and clear?
As a couple, I’m sure you want the best outcome for each other, so go into the conversation with the mindset that this is will help both of you. It’s not about “winning” an argument, but being curious and open to where your partner is at and how’d you like to grow together. As I mentioned before, be kind and stay positive by not assuming or criticizing the other.
Different comments or questions can steer the conversation in many directions. Something as simple as “You never initiate sex; you don’t want me!” will have a different response to “What do you need to be in the mood for sex? I would like for you to show me you’re in the mood for sex.”
I would also say to take it slow. This can bring up embarrassment or shame, and you want to make sure both of you feel safe to explore, reflect, and share.
What are some methods to strategy the subject of intercourse?
In case you’re having bother figuring out the place to begin I might suggest my Closeness Card Deck that has 50 questions on sexual intimacy. It will possibly take the awkwardness out of asking the query—blame it on the cardboard! I’ve heard many say that there are questions that they by no means even thought to ask themselves or their companion. They may also be a great tool in the event you really feel like your companion is bored with having a sexual dialog (which I might say takes some exploring on their finish), however they’ll discover a card that pursuits them. You can learn a e book or article collectively after which focus on it, and even hearken to a podcast collectively. For a enjoyable and light-weight dialog, I like to recommend sending attractive texts!
Listed here are a number of inquiries to get the dialog began:
- How was intercourse talked about in your loved ones?
- What turns you on?
- How have you learnt once I’m within the temper?
- What’s your favourite half about intercourse?
What are some tips for finding the right time to talk about sex?
When do you think you normally have good conversations that inspire growth? Maybe it’s the monthly check-in or date night? Have the conversation when you know both of you are able to have enough time to really reflect and share. I also recommend making a plan for the conversation. Nothing too serious, but just mention what you would like to discuss so they have a heads-up.
Further resources:
You can find my website at cherylfagan.org. My Closeness Card Deck for {couples} is a superb software for dialog and intimate connection and I supply e-courses on sexual ache and for engaged/newlywed {couples}. I’m at present creating an e-course on sexual therapeutic (from disgrace). There’s extra to return quickly, together with sex-ed classes—maintain an eye fixed out!
This publish was initially revealed on March 9, 2021, and has since been up to date.
